Is Bush Drinking Again?

It’s come to this. I’m seeing a pattern here and I can’t keep it to myself any longer. I think our President may be drinking again. Either that, or he’s the clumsiest President in history, save Gerald Ford.

Despite being classified as being in the top 2% in cardiovascular health for men his age when he was examined in 2001, our Commander-in-Chief has managed a couple of plainly embarrassing accidents over the years.

On January 14th, 2002, he was sitting and watching a football game and managed to get himself knocked unconscious by an improperly swallowed pretzel. From a seated position he managed to fall in such a way as to bruise his face. Perhaps the whack against the table jarred the pretzel loose?

In June of 2003, photographers famously managed to capture the President taking a rather clumsy fall off of a Segway device. No facial injuries this time, thank goodness!

In December of the same year, President Bush reportedly injured the meniscus in his leg and had to cut back on his near-fanatical exercise routine. It was not reported exactly how the damage came about. Could another fall be the culprit?

Finally, just a few days ago, on May 22, 2004, our President took a spill off his bicycle. Once again, the cuts and scrapes are on his face. Fortunately, Bush just happened to have his doctor along on a seventeen-mile bike ride for just such an emergency. Never mind house calls, this doctor definitely goes above and beyond.

Though not strictly in the same category with the others, there are also the red marks on his face. On at least one occasion, the President has made a public appearance in which he had these bright red marks on his face. This was later explained to be a result of having some lesions removed. If that were the case, why not advise the press before the procedure?

I realize that a couple of accidents do not a drunk make, but couple these incidents with the President’s decided aversion to making speeches, his reported disinterest in reading and his passion for extended vacations away from the public view, and I really am starting to wonder. What exactly is he doing when nobody is looking?

Is he really as clumsy and unlucky as all of that? Or, is it just possible, that he keeps falling down under the influence and all of these silly explanations are being cooked up to cover a problem? In the past, we’ve had alcoholics in the oval office, but none of them staked their political base upon a born-again conversion to sobriety.

Interestingly enough, Katherine Wormer has suggested that, in fact, Bush may be sober, but still suffering from a form of addiction-related brain damage called “dry drunk” syndrome. Is it possible that these are physical manifestations of that damage?